It just doesn't seem right

The face of a new "nickel."


The back of the new "nickel," featuring Lewis and Clark's version of "Monticello."

I once had a dream that I kept getting counterfeit change while I was out shopping. And I mean really counterfeit--like $23 bills printed on one side with a color portrait of Art Linkletter. Now it seems like my nightmare is starting to come true. This has to be one of the signs of the apocalypse. Perhaps you too have noticed new paper money with funny looking big heads off to one side and splashes of color here and there (not to mention GPS magnetic tracking fibers embedded in the bill so "big brother" can keep tabs on you at all times--to send a black helicopter to "rescue" you if you become "unsafe").

Now it has happened to our coins. The commemorative quarters didn't bother me so much. We've had those before, and they only changed the back anyway. Imagine my surprise when I pulled this "nickel" out of my pocket after stopping by the convenience store on my way home the other day. More big heads! And cursive! Cursive on American money! No wonder Europe doesn't respect us anymore. When I looked on the back it was even worse; there was no Monticello. The coin was like something that had been thrown off a float in a Mardi Gras parade.

After giving it some thought, I believe I have arrived at a solution. I know you are fed up with this too. So I say, gather up all that funny "money"--both those new dabloons and all those colorful Federal Reserve notes--and send them to me. I'll keep them safely out of sight.